My most recent burracheira and the Dreams that followed it
Updated: Oct 28
My most recent burracheira…
Ane Molina
I am at the ritual setting, and it is all I remembered: the peak of a hill, nothing but stars around me, the smell of the cerrado and these beautiful, kind people who make me feel at home. The ritual begins as usual: the two conductors present the theme of the night (South American spirituality, history, and culture), start talking about their own trips to ancient cities, and invite anyone who wants to share knowledge or experience about the Inca people to do so. I listen. At some point, the conductors announce the time to take the brew. My tongue and throat rebel because they vividly remember swallowing this brown, thick preparation. This resistance is reflected in my attempt to drink, as I have to try three times before the small cup they hand me is empty. A dear friend stands beside me, offering support. She knows that for someone who doesn't attend a ritual every week, it's not easy.
We come back to our sits. Conversation continues for a while, and then a collective, natural silence lets everybody know something has changed. The master comes to each one and asks, “irmã, tá na burracheira?” which I answer no because for me it always takes more time. Chanting starts, and the music sounds nice at first. They are linked with UDV tradition, so most of them talk about Master Gabriel, Jesus and Mary, but they also talk about the gratitude we all feel at this point for the forest that gave us the opportunity to experience burracheira. The conductors also play Peruvian music with traditional melodies and instruments, and between them they talk about the history of South American civilizations before colonization and explain details about city infrastructure, people's habits, power structures, religion, wars, food, and other customs. At this point, I start to “feel” Ayahuasca taking over. Not just because I know my consciousness is altered and all the information I am receiving sounds relevant, essential and life-changing, but also because my stomach starts to complain. The digestive discomfort is progressive; since my first time here, I always think, “this time will be different…” but it never is: it starts with a discreet burning feeling and leaves me unable to sit or stand. I must walk; otherwise, I will fade.
In terms of bodily sensation, the other aspect is the pain. The pain I feel during burracheira is constant but is not a pain exclusively in my body. On a scale of 1 to 10, this pain is a 12. It happens because it is not physical pain, or at least not just in the physical body. I always test my body: pinch my arms to be sure the pain I feel is not merely physical. This time, my pain is concentrated in the middle of my back, the place of the lungs, and it is like I have a huge stone placed there even when I stand up. This pain is so real, and at the same time, I know my lungs are not collapsing. I follow the pain, and I start to calm down with the help of the people around me and the beautiful night, but the music disturbs me now, and I have to leave.
You might think the digestive discomfort and pain I described could keep me from experiencing other aspects of the ritual, such as miração and self-awareness. The most undualistic feeling about the Burracheira is that the hard physical part makes you focus more on the non-physical experience, and I know it doesn't make any sense. But it is what it is, and as I have extreme difficulty vomiting or going through any other type of cleanse, I endure the physical discomfort for the whole burracheira. The experience is always difficult for me, and each time I promise I will never do it again. Yet, here I am.
When my internal voices start discussing my life (it is how it works for me today, a debate...), I also start to see a kaleidoscopic dance of colors and shapes when I close my eyes. It is beautiful because I usually experience large-scale visions, as if I were in enormous halls decorated with fantastic paintings that move and change position, color, and brightness. I understand why many people feel they are visiting other spheres, other worlds when they are in this state – I can assure you, it all seems very real, like 3D cinema, something you can touch– and when you open your eyes, everything is normal; you don’t have any dizziness or immobility, you are able to walk, go to the washroom, take some water. But the visual experience isn't important to me. I am more interested in the voices: what they are saying about me, and how I can learn. My difficulty is that there are many; it is hard to separate them and understand. This is my work while here, in Burracheira today. To learn what my own internal world has to say about me. I had different experiences before: first, I talked with my female ancestors; second, I had this health-treatment feeling, as entities were taking care of my body (this was the only day I vomited); and third, I had a very calm conversation with the universe about my future. Today, it is a loud mess!
The pain continues, and I feel it increase and concentrate. I have a spot in my back that hurts as hell. At the same time, I feel something else. It is as if a huge hand comes from behind and literally grabs the pain and pulls it outside of my body. It happens each time the pain increases. I am out of the ritual location; I am seated in the middle of the garden. I feel some participants are checking on me from time to time to ensure I am ok. I feel safe. My physical body starts to move, each time the hand takes the pain out of me. It is a wave: I move forward when the hand enters, and I move back when it leaves my body. The voices continue to discuss. I continue this double work: to get rid of the pain and to listen and learn about myself.
At the end, when I feel the burracheira dissipating, I check my watch. It was the longest transe I ever had, more than 6 hours, the whole night. I don't feel tired, nauseated, or emotionally shaken. On the contrary, I feel myself, more myself than before. My body is ready for a long walk or dancing. My mind is vivid; my soul is happy. It is time to join the rest of the community, eat light food, talk and share. They are all excited to know I am writing about Ayahuasca and happy with the possibility of more people understanding what can be experienced here. They are smiling, the conversation is light, about their routine, dreams, aspirations, hopes, loves… The whole time, I felt at home. Surrounded by people who understand the simplicity of this experience and that it is not extraordinary. It is just the way it should be.
… and the Dreams that followed it
Today is the 7th day after my Ayahuasca ritual. I feel more permanent changes. The spot in my back that hurt a lot during the ritual is now very alive again. But it does not hurt. It is not heavy. I feel refreshed and light. It is sensitive, though; I think the spot is there, open, but I don’t know why. But when I take a deep breath, it feels soft and accommodating. I believe this is the moment to finish this report on the experience and the events that followed.
I had my period during the ritual. I knew it could happen, but I didn't feel it then. A friend explained that the experience can alter the menstrual cycle, and indeed it happened. Beyond the timing, the whole cycle was different; my flux was much more intense, but I didn't experience any pain. This was one of many post-ritual outcomes; I'll tell you about some of them here.
The night after the ritual, I went to dinner with a close friend I hadn't seen in a long time. With COVID and then moving to Canada, I couldn't hug many of my closest friends for 4-5 years. That night meant a lot to me. The first thing my friend said when he hugged me was, “You do not know how to hug anymore; you unlearned it!” He meant that in Canada I’d lost the ability to give real hugs (Brazilian style). I feel he is right.
As I said before, my period was intense, and I leaked in his kitchen while we had dinner. I know it sounds horrible, but it reminded me how intimacy works. How it is to have someone so close to you that when something that embarrassing happens, it is not the end of the world. It is a moment full of laughing and kind gestures. That night made me happy and sad, because I realized what I gave up by going to Canada for this PhD. Intimacy.
The dream I had that night was vivid and stays with me to this day. If I close my eyes, I can feel it. I was with my friend in a humid forest. I was suffocated, and my skin was sticky. Big animals were around us. I could not see them, but I could hear them. We were walking, looking for something. I did not know what it was, but I remember not wanting to ask; I was faking knowledge. I was just looking for something relevant, wanting to be found. He looked at me and said: "I don't know what I am looking for..." In the dream, I remembered all the times I faked knowledge in class, all the times I pretended I understood what the people around me were talking about, all the times I agreed without any certainty about what. I was paralyzed. I was in the middle of the forest looking for something, but I was faking knowledge way before that. I woke up. My friend was with me, not in person, but I knew he felt the same. Maybe in the same dream, maybe in life. One day I will ask him.
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